Spider Wars

WHYYYYY do spiders ALWAYS show up in NOT OK places?!?!

There I am, taking a regular pee, and as I’m reaching for toilet paper, I get the most random urge to just take a quick glance behind me. Why? I don’t know, it’s a wall, there’s nothing to look at. It must have been channeling me, because to my literally heart stopping surprise, there was a ginormous nasty-legged spider chilling on the wall right at my level. There I am, bare-bottom, fully exposed... It was just entirely inappropriate and unappreciated. So naturally, I squealed like a maniac, ran a couple laps around the bathroom, as I’m pulling up my pants, flailing my arms and doing what resembled some fast tempo jig, as if there were 10 spiders crawling on me in that instant.

Once I calmed down a bit, I analyzed the situation from afar and began to think about the next appropriate step to take.

Option 1: Kill it with my shoe!! Obvious solution. But in this particular case, for someone with last minute squirmish-ness and the already unfortunate likelihood of missing, I had to take into consideration the spider's strategic placement in the corner. 

If I were to take the risk, the most likely scenario would be that I miss (simply because of it’s difficult location of course), the spider would fall to the ground, and no-doubtedly come after me! And maybe it’s an exaggeration, but in my head, angry spiders that are out to get me, run freakishly fast and somehow have extra creepy long legs. 

In that moment, I was not willing to take that risk. 

Option 2: Just leave it and deal with it in the morning....

Haha yea, like that’s gonna happen. I can just leave it, so it can hide and grow bigger and stronger, and probably go lay eggs to start the new army... and then one day sit and hide somewhere else that is going to thoroughly disturb and traumatize me... like in my jacket... (Yes. This has happened, and it definitely was traumatizing.)

As I stood, still not sure what to do, still periodically twitching like I have turrets, I started sending out distressed calls to the outside world... That was my mistake...

In that moment of distraction, I was taken advantage of. The spider disappeared! LITERALLY! There were no cracks to crawl in, nothing to hide behind... The nearest cover was so far away that it could only mean one thing, it really was as fast as I had feared! This is a demon spider.

At this point, I couldn’t help but react to every itch or pokey feeling, of which most was probably imaginary, because I was then convinced that the spider was on me. It’s sudden teleportation from the wall, across the room, to inside my sweatshirt was not a process that I needed to analyze, I just knew it had happened. 

I had now completely monsterized this spider in my head... There was absolutely no way I could just let it go. There would be no saying where it could be by morning. Right now, I have the advantage. The spider could have only gone so far. I know the general area of where it is. I may have extended the perimeter of this area a foot or two wider than what was logical, but I was not willing to underestimate the speed of this thing. 

As I squatted on the countertop and watched over the now quarantined area, I got my first response from the outside world, of which I received the oh-so-insightful reminder that “you’re bigger than the spider.”

I’m bigger than the spider... yes.. I realize that, but this thing now has the advantage of surprise attack... and has an absolutely terrifying running style.

My stake out continued until about 1am, when I realized that I could not let this spider control me. I needed to go on the offensive. So, in my brief moment of bravery, I armed myself with protective eye-wear, a securely fastened sweatshirt hood, a coat hanger and a shoe and I conducted a thorough search for the spider.

Nothing. It was nowhere to be found. It was absolutely mind-boggling. On some level, I couldn’t help but admire the cleverness of the little beast.

Feeling sleep deprived and defeated, I decided to grab all of my possessions from the room that I could confidently deem uninhabited by the spider and throw them in the hallway for safe keeping. I shut the door and made sure to block any escapable cracks with towels. I completely barricaded the bathroom. 

sleep tight little spider, we battle again tomorrow!